Que the obligatory "reflection" post. This will likely be short, don't worry.
2012 was a fairly eventful year for me, when I really think out it. I did suffer a few losses and heartache (the major one for me being the family dog, Tira). It's still weird to go to my parents' house, and not hear her excited barks and hear her nails clattering on the floor by the door as I walk up the steps. I can't help but get a little choked up, even now, thinking about it.
I stood by my best friend as she got married, celebrated, and share some pretty great memories with her, and my other best friends. My reign of Maid of Honor ended, and I'd like to think I did a fairly good job. I planned and Engagement Party, Bridal Shower, and a Bachelorette. They all worked out well, and I'm pleased as punch!
My fiance and I moved into an apartment that's has some ups and downs, together just the two of us, for the first time. We also welcomed a new member into our family shortly after, Monster, Scott's dad's kitty. He adapted to indoor life better than we could have hoped for, and has been amazing. I can't imagine coming home and not seeing him there to greet me now.
After five years, I finally moved to a new department, and thus far am loving it. I'm learning new skills, meeting plenty of new people. I couldn't be more excited for this change.
As time winds down, more wedding planning for my own wedding was needed, and we managed to book a nice venue, and I went for my first round of wedding dress shopping.
We met with a financial planner recently as well, and with his help next year, will get our crazy financial situation under control.
2013 of course, will be jam packed with more wedding work and planning. Soon begins the traditional wedding diets, so that we can look fabulous on our big day. We're getting married in under ten months now!
I hope to lead a more structured life as well, planning and keeping myself and fiance well organized.
Bahari Haunt will be seeing the release of monthly art collections. Cute, simple prints and merchandise. I will also be stepping up on my commissions.
I also aim to see friends more often, maybe hosting some movie and/or game nights in my home. Once per month would be lovely. I love my friends, and I really don't think we see each other enough.On a similar note, I need to spend more quality time with my husband-to-be, as while I see him most evenings, and usually full day a week, it just doesn't seem like enough. I think a monthly date night may be in order.
I'm pretty sure I say this every year, but I am seriously determined to make 2013 the best year yet. Bettering myself, my relationships, and I hope to maybe even get my foot in the door for a more career oriented position. I've got plenty of goals and dreams, and part-time won't get me there.
Happy New Year (and if you missed it, Merry Christmas!), my friends!
~Jenicsaco
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
Saturday, 3 November 2012
[Health] Killing Depression
So, I feel that I need to write the post in order to help myself, mostly. It will be a very dark post, and if you're not interested, I do suggest you skip this one. it does get better as it goes, though. There will be much better ones soon to follow too, I promise!
I mentioned in my last post that my depression was making a comeback. It had vanished more or less since that post, but Thursday night, it came back with a vengeance. I can't think of anything in particular that brought it on. Just home alone, surfing the web. I spent a good three hours sobbing on the couch. At one point, I did consider suicide, the first serious time in...I want to say in five years or so. This is where it gets really sad...I looked at the knife, and realized that I was just too lazy. I didn't even have enough motivation to do anything but sit and scream and cry my heart out. I'd just given up on everything. I guess that's when it hit me that I need help.
I started then posting pathetic little subtle cries for help through social media, and googling therapists in my area. One of my besties noticed what was happening, and really helped me through the last few waves of real despair. (I can't thank you enough for all the pits you've helped me out of.)
As the sobbing subsided, and I got to thinking about things more and more, I realized that I have a very serious problem with motivation. I think that is the root of all my problems. I can never get motivated to do anything for more than a short while, if at all. The constant failure just brings me farther and farther down. I really have completed very little in my recent years. I'm always looking for a fresh start, a do-over. If I'm not happy, I hit the reset button.
After my google journey, I realized that therapists are very expensive, and I can't really afford one. If I really need to, I will though. For the time being, I'm going to try and help myself. Looking up ways to get and keep myself motivated. On my next real day off, I'll be working on a personal growth plan, setting easy goals, etc. I also got my fiance to pick me up a few things to hopefully help me out.
-Melatonin to help me sleep through the night. I wake up constantly, and I'm more often than not, very tired.
-Garcinia Cambogia to help with weight loss. I know I need to be physically healthy to help with the mental bits, and I need every ounce of help I can get.
-Magnesium glycinate to help with sleep, stress, and a few other little things.
I'm also going grocery shopping today, and will be looking for plenty of healthy meal ideas. Fresh food = fresh mind and body!
With all of this, plus I hope the encouragement and support of my family and friends, I think this may be just what I need to become whole. I realize that I need to get to this point of mental health before I can even think about having a child, my biggest dream.
If you made it to the end of this post, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. <3
All my love,
-Jenicsaco
I mentioned in my last post that my depression was making a comeback. It had vanished more or less since that post, but Thursday night, it came back with a vengeance. I can't think of anything in particular that brought it on. Just home alone, surfing the web. I spent a good three hours sobbing on the couch. At one point, I did consider suicide, the first serious time in...I want to say in five years or so. This is where it gets really sad...I looked at the knife, and realized that I was just too lazy. I didn't even have enough motivation to do anything but sit and scream and cry my heart out. I'd just given up on everything. I guess that's when it hit me that I need help.
I started then posting pathetic little subtle cries for help through social media, and googling therapists in my area. One of my besties noticed what was happening, and really helped me through the last few waves of real despair. (I can't thank you enough for all the pits you've helped me out of.)
As the sobbing subsided, and I got to thinking about things more and more, I realized that I have a very serious problem with motivation. I think that is the root of all my problems. I can never get motivated to do anything for more than a short while, if at all. The constant failure just brings me farther and farther down. I really have completed very little in my recent years. I'm always looking for a fresh start, a do-over. If I'm not happy, I hit the reset button.
After my google journey, I realized that therapists are very expensive, and I can't really afford one. If I really need to, I will though. For the time being, I'm going to try and help myself. Looking up ways to get and keep myself motivated. On my next real day off, I'll be working on a personal growth plan, setting easy goals, etc. I also got my fiance to pick me up a few things to hopefully help me out.
-Melatonin to help me sleep through the night. I wake up constantly, and I'm more often than not, very tired.
-Garcinia Cambogia to help with weight loss. I know I need to be physically healthy to help with the mental bits, and I need every ounce of help I can get.
-Magnesium glycinate to help with sleep, stress, and a few other little things.
I'm also going grocery shopping today, and will be looking for plenty of healthy meal ideas. Fresh food = fresh mind and body!
With all of this, plus I hope the encouragement and support of my family and friends, I think this may be just what I need to become whole. I realize that I need to get to this point of mental health before I can even think about having a child, my biggest dream.
If you made it to the end of this post, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. <3
All my love,
-Jenicsaco
Saturday, 6 October 2012
[Health & Dreams] Housewife Dreams and Dark Shadows
In this day and age, it is more common than not, for women to have larger dreams, than they did decades ago. Making plenty of money, higher education, careers, living life large.
I often wonder to myself...is there something wrong with me? That sort of thing really has never been what I want...I've had a few fun jobs that I would like...but the more I think about it, what I really want to be...is a housewife. I want to spend my days at home, raising children, cooking meals for my family, keeping the house tidy.
While my own mom does work a job (with the exception of during the summer), she also works from home. She sells art online. Wooden painted dolls, prints, lots of really cute little things. She's doing fairly well with it, too. Maybe not enough to solely survive on that, but pretty close in her busy periods. This is why I'm striving to become better with my own art, and increase my own online presence. If I had the ability to make money from home, raise my children, and be a real family mom, that would be a dream come true. I'm seriously trying to pursue this right now.
I wonder though, how many people would frown on such a low goal. That I'm not shooting for the stars. That I don't want to a fancy career, university degrees, and things like that. Does that make me an under achiever?
Or, is the fact that I finally know what I want in life, and I'm working towards it, something to applaud?
I shouldn't worry what others think, I should just be proud of myself that I'm finally walking that path that I think I was meant to be on. I can't help but worry what others think though. Shamefully, I just want to be loved and accepted by all.
This post is shifting a little darker, and I apologize for that...but, I need to vent a little. Feel free to skip this part of the post, if you don't want to read depressing bits.
It's been very up and down, though for the most part, really positive. In the last month or so though, my depression has been making itself more prevalent in my life again. It isn't a medically diagnosed depression, but I know it's there, and that it's real.
It's that sort of thing, where you just feel so hopeless, and you don't even care about getting out of that dark pit you're falling into. I won't go into details, but suicide is at the bottom. Or, it's a tunnel at the bottom, that people try to dig, to give themselves that escape...but it just ends. That feeling that nothing you do is worthwhile, nobody -really- cares about you, there's no point in sticking around, since you're so utterly useless. Nothing I do ever goes right. It sucks...and it really bothers me when people say, "Oh cheer up. Just get over it." But anyone who actually goes through this, understands that you can't. If things get better, it's only over time...you can't force yourself to just 'cheer up'. It just happens eventually, or at least, the pain fades. I hate the waiting...it's scary.
I also hate that this is coming back. I don't fully understand why...but I'm willing to bet it's stress related. Finances, a new job, wedding planning. That must be it.
I've been wondering as well if I should seek out some sort of a mental evaluation...I know there are things wrong with me, but to what extent, I'm not sure. I suffer from (self-diagnosed)depression and Misophonia, which is now looking like an emotional response disorder (which would explain a LOT), but I feel like I'm just...off. I can't really explain it. I don't really know where to begin with something like that, though....And I'm fairly certain that it would cost more than I could ever afford.
Anyways...I think that concludes this little rant...I'm sorry it took such a dark turn south. :(
~Jenicsaco
I often wonder to myself...is there something wrong with me? That sort of thing really has never been what I want...I've had a few fun jobs that I would like...but the more I think about it, what I really want to be...is a housewife. I want to spend my days at home, raising children, cooking meals for my family, keeping the house tidy.
While my own mom does work a job (with the exception of during the summer), she also works from home. She sells art online. Wooden painted dolls, prints, lots of really cute little things. She's doing fairly well with it, too. Maybe not enough to solely survive on that, but pretty close in her busy periods. This is why I'm striving to become better with my own art, and increase my own online presence. If I had the ability to make money from home, raise my children, and be a real family mom, that would be a dream come true. I'm seriously trying to pursue this right now.
I wonder though, how many people would frown on such a low goal. That I'm not shooting for the stars. That I don't want to a fancy career, university degrees, and things like that. Does that make me an under achiever?
Or, is the fact that I finally know what I want in life, and I'm working towards it, something to applaud?
I shouldn't worry what others think, I should just be proud of myself that I'm finally walking that path that I think I was meant to be on. I can't help but worry what others think though. Shamefully, I just want to be loved and accepted by all.
This post is shifting a little darker, and I apologize for that...but, I need to vent a little. Feel free to skip this part of the post, if you don't want to read depressing bits.
It's been very up and down, though for the most part, really positive. In the last month or so though, my depression has been making itself more prevalent in my life again. It isn't a medically diagnosed depression, but I know it's there, and that it's real.
It's that sort of thing, where you just feel so hopeless, and you don't even care about getting out of that dark pit you're falling into. I won't go into details, but suicide is at the bottom. Or, it's a tunnel at the bottom, that people try to dig, to give themselves that escape...but it just ends. That feeling that nothing you do is worthwhile, nobody -really- cares about you, there's no point in sticking around, since you're so utterly useless. Nothing I do ever goes right. It sucks...and it really bothers me when people say, "Oh cheer up. Just get over it." But anyone who actually goes through this, understands that you can't. If things get better, it's only over time...you can't force yourself to just 'cheer up'. It just happens eventually, or at least, the pain fades. I hate the waiting...it's scary.
I also hate that this is coming back. I don't fully understand why...but I'm willing to bet it's stress related. Finances, a new job, wedding planning. That must be it.
I've been wondering as well if I should seek out some sort of a mental evaluation...I know there are things wrong with me, but to what extent, I'm not sure. I suffer from (self-diagnosed)depression and Misophonia, which is now looking like an emotional response disorder (which would explain a LOT), but I feel like I'm just...off. I can't really explain it. I don't really know where to begin with something like that, though....And I'm fairly certain that it would cost more than I could ever afford.
Anyways...I think that concludes this little rant...I'm sorry it took such a dark turn south. :(
~Jenicsaco
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
[Gaming] Internal Struggle
I find myself battling with my inner adult quite frequently in terms of gaming.
I love to play games, and I often set goals for me to reach within those games. For example, in Warcraft, I'd like to have one maxed level character of each race and class. That hasn't worked out well so far, because like so many projects, I like to start things over, before completion. I can spend a lot of time in games, and lose track of more important things I should be doing.
I start to think about everything that I should be doing as a, you know, responsible adult. That's when the battle begins, and I start thinking about all the time I've wasted on a game, doing something that will end up not mattering in the long run. I should have done something productive. For me right now, that's working on my art and shops, and app ideas, in order to generate some much needed money for my wedding/honeymoon next year.
So the war wages on, and I stop playing, or play very little in an attempt to make up for lost time in productivity. Then I cancel my subscription...It's when I cancel, that I want to play more than ever. And so I do, and jump back in full throttle. Rinse and repeat.
Does anyone else have similar struggles? How do you cope/keep yourself organized? I've thought about heading into the parental controls and giving myself some restrictions. However, I know that if I had a day off, I'd likely want to give myself more time to play, and end up removing/changing everything.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, being a grown-up is hard! But, I have dreams to chase, so I need to try and keep myself motivated to stay on track.
~Jenicsaco
I love to play games, and I often set goals for me to reach within those games. For example, in Warcraft, I'd like to have one maxed level character of each race and class. That hasn't worked out well so far, because like so many projects, I like to start things over, before completion. I can spend a lot of time in games, and lose track of more important things I should be doing.
I start to think about everything that I should be doing as a, you know, responsible adult. That's when the battle begins, and I start thinking about all the time I've wasted on a game, doing something that will end up not mattering in the long run. I should have done something productive. For me right now, that's working on my art and shops, and app ideas, in order to generate some much needed money for my wedding/honeymoon next year.
So the war wages on, and I stop playing, or play very little in an attempt to make up for lost time in productivity. Then I cancel my subscription...It's when I cancel, that I want to play more than ever. And so I do, and jump back in full throttle. Rinse and repeat.
Does anyone else have similar struggles? How do you cope/keep yourself organized? I've thought about heading into the parental controls and giving myself some restrictions. However, I know that if I had a day off, I'd likely want to give myself more time to play, and end up removing/changing everything.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, being a grown-up is hard! But, I have dreams to chase, so I need to try and keep myself motivated to stay on track.
~Jenicsaco
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