In this day and age, it is more common than not, for women to have larger dreams, than they did decades ago. Making plenty of money, higher education, careers, living life large.
I often wonder to myself...is there something wrong with me? That sort of thing really has never been what I want...I've had a few fun jobs that I would like...but the more I think about it, what I really want to be...is a housewife. I want to spend my days at home, raising children, cooking meals for my family, keeping the house tidy.
While my own mom does work a job (with the exception of during the summer), she also works from home. She sells art online. Wooden painted dolls, prints, lots of really cute little things. She's doing fairly well with it, too. Maybe not enough to solely survive on that, but pretty close in her busy periods. This is why I'm striving to become better with my own art, and increase my own online presence. If I had the ability to make money from home, raise my children, and be a real family mom, that would be a dream come true. I'm seriously trying to pursue this right now.
I wonder though, how many people would frown on such a low goal. That I'm not shooting for the stars. That I don't want to a fancy career, university degrees, and things like that. Does that make me an under achiever?
Or, is the fact that I finally know what I want in life, and I'm working towards it, something to applaud?
I shouldn't worry what others think, I should just be proud of myself that I'm finally walking that path that I think I was meant to be on. I can't help but worry what others think though. Shamefully, I just want to be loved and accepted by all.
This post is shifting a little darker, and I apologize for that...but, I need to vent a little. Feel free to skip this part of the post, if you don't want to read depressing bits.
It's been very up and down, though for the most part, really positive. In the last month or so though, my depression has been making itself more prevalent in my life again. It isn't a medically diagnosed depression, but I know it's there, and that it's real.
It's that sort of thing, where you just feel so hopeless, and you don't even care about getting out of that dark pit you're falling into. I won't go into details, but suicide is at the bottom. Or, it's a tunnel at the bottom, that people try to dig, to give themselves that escape...but it just ends. That feeling that nothing you do is worthwhile, nobody -really- cares about you, there's no point in sticking around, since you're so utterly useless. Nothing I do ever goes right. It sucks...and it really bothers me when people say, "Oh cheer up. Just get over it." But anyone who actually goes through this, understands that you can't. If things get better, it's only over time...you can't force yourself to just 'cheer up'. It just happens eventually, or at least, the pain fades. I hate the waiting...it's scary.
I also hate that this is coming back. I don't fully understand why...but I'm willing to bet it's stress related. Finances, a new job, wedding planning. That must be it.
I've been wondering as well if I should seek out some sort of a mental evaluation...I know there are things wrong with me, but to what extent, I'm not sure. I suffer from (self-diagnosed)depression and Misophonia, which is now looking like an emotional response disorder (which would explain a LOT), but I feel like I'm just...off. I can't really explain it. I don't really know where to begin with something like that, though....And I'm fairly certain that it would cost more than I could ever afford.
Anyways...I think that concludes this little rant...I'm sorry it took such a dark turn south. :(
~Jenicsaco
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