[Health & Dreams] Housewife Dreams and Dark Shadows

In this day and age, it is more common than not, for women to have larger dreams, than they did decades ago. Making plenty of money, higher education, careers, living life large.

I often wonder to myself...is there something wrong with me? That sort of thing really has never been what I want...I've had a few fun jobs that I would like...but the more I think about it, what I really want to be...is a housewife. I want to spend my days at home, raising children, cooking meals for my family, keeping the house tidy.

While my own mom does work a job (with the exception of during the summer), she also works from home. She sells art online. Wooden painted dolls, prints, lots of really cute little things. She's doing fairly well with it, too. Maybe not enough to solely survive on that, but pretty close in her busy periods. This is why I'm striving to become better with my own art, and increase my own online presence. If I had the ability to make money from home, raise my children, and be a real family mom, that would be a dream come true. I'm seriously trying to pursue this right now.

I wonder though, how many people would frown on such a low goal. That I'm not shooting for the stars. That I don't want to a fancy career, university degrees, and things like that. Does that make me an under achiever?

Or, is the fact that I finally know what I want in life, and I'm working towards it, something to applaud?

I shouldn't worry what others think, I should just be proud of myself that I'm finally walking that path that I think I was meant to be on. I can't help but worry what others think though. Shamefully, I just want to be loved and accepted by all.

This post is shifting a little darker, and I apologize for that...but, I need to vent a little. Feel free to skip this part of the post, if you don't want to read depressing bits.


It's been very up and down, though for the most part, really positive. In the last month or so though, my depression has been making itself more prevalent in my life again. It isn't a medically diagnosed depression, but I know it's there, and that it's real.

It's that sort of thing, where you just feel so hopeless, and you don't even care about getting out of that dark pit you're falling into. I won't go into details, but suicide is at the bottom. Or, it's a tunnel at the bottom, that people try to dig, to give themselves that escape...but it just ends. That feeling that nothing you do is worthwhile, nobody -really- cares about you, there's no point in sticking around, since you're so utterly useless. Nothing I do ever goes right. It sucks...and it really bothers me when people say, "Oh cheer up. Just get over it." But anyone who actually goes through this, understands that you can't. If things get better, it's only over time...you can't force yourself to just 'cheer up'. It just happens eventually, or at least, the pain fades. I hate the waiting...it's scary.

I also hate that this is coming back. I don't fully understand why...but I'm willing to bet it's stress related. Finances, a new job, wedding planning. That must be it.

I've been wondering as well if I should seek out some sort of a mental evaluation...I know there are things wrong with me, but to what extent, I'm not sure. I suffer from (self-diagnosed)depression and Misophonia, which is now looking like an emotional response disorder (which would explain a LOT), but I feel like I'm just...off. I can't really explain it.  I don't really know where to begin with something like that, though....And I'm fairly certain that it would cost more than I could ever afford.

Anyways...I think that concludes this little rant...I'm sorry it took such a dark turn south. :(

~Jenicsaco

[Wedding] One Step Closer

Okay, so it's update time!
I'm still in contact with the super nice lady, and she's sent me some proposals for some ideas on venue options. Now, I had said my budget was $1400 (canadian). My mom told me that I could push my my budget to $1900. The only reason I allowed this, was because I know having my wedding at an actual venue, not a hall, would take care of my biggest problem. They will handle all of the set-up/take-down. That was my biggest stress, and it's gone. That peace of mind is worth so much more than what they're charging.

At the moment, we're looking into a pasta buffet, which also comes with salad and garlic bread, and desserts. Who'd oppose that? Sounds great, and with everything else (decorations, set-up, taxes) it's just over $1800. Wow. It looks like I'm getting close to a wedding I never thought I'd be able to have!

I'm going to see the venue in September to check everything out. I'm so excited! Also really looking forward to meeting the woman who's been helping me. That's very odd of me to say...I'm generally crazy shy.

That's about it for wedding updates at the moment, I guess...short, but pretty darned exciting if you ask me!

My next big task is finding an officiant...Non-religous, and not stuffy. If anyone knows someone, let me know!

~Jenicsaco

Wedding Woes

Okay, this seems like a good time for a post, while I'm bashing my head against the wall.

I had thought I found a good, affordable place that would balance cost and set-up, but after looking a little deeper, it's still way beyond my budget, which was probably too high to begin with. It was $3000, but I've knocked it down to $2000. I really can't let it go higher than that.


So now...I'm looking at renting a hall, or something similar. That can become very affordable, but at the cost of having to ask my friends and family to help with set-up and take down. That's one thing I want to avoid like the plague. I'd feel like scum, asking my loved ones to help me set things up and tear it down.

If anyone knows of some great and uber cheap locations for food, venue, or anything else in the Surrey/Vancouver area, please let me know!

The good news? I've got about $1300 save for the wedding so far! (Honeymoon is a different beast entirely...)

Introducing...Me

So this post is a little more about me, and things I'll be blogging about here...exciting, right?

Finances - I don't know how much I'll touch on that, but currently, my fiance and I are trying to find that balance between paying off a large credit card bill, a loan, paying our bills, and also saving for our wedding/honeymoon, as well as a down payment on a home (or condo, or townhouse). The saving's going slow at the moment, with me only putting $20 from each paycheck towards wedding and home. Of course though, bills must always come first.  We're still working on that bit where we need to spend more carefully...I think our food bills end up to be way more than they should be.

Wedding - I was proposed to (much to my surprise) on December 17th, 2011. There's no specific date quite yet, but it will be sometime in October, 2013. So, I plan to go over my whole wedding planning experience here. It should be interesting!

Food - Uh, yeah. So, I love food. I'm not a fancy fois gras kinda gal though...I like to be able to pronounce what I'm eating. Simple things...I may give a whirl at restaurant reviews, who knows? I'll also share recipes I find/make up here, and other things of that sort.

Parenting - I'm not a mom yet, and probably won't be for a few more years. Regardless, every bone in my body aches to be a mom, it has for as long as I can remember. I'll be posting mom-related thoughts and ideas here in the mean time. In my previous occupation, I feel I've learned a lot about proper parenting (through the fails I've seen on a daily basis), and would like to share that wisdom.

That's pretty much it, which is actually quite a broad spectrum for a blog, I think! I'll try to keep this organized and tidy, though.

~Jenicsaco~