[Health] Killing Depression

So, I feel that I need to write the post in order to help myself, mostly. It will be a very dark post, and if you're not interested, I do suggest you skip this one. it does get better as it goes, though. There will be much better ones soon to follow too, I promise!

I mentioned in my last post that my depression was making a comeback. It had vanished more or less since that post, but Thursday night, it came back with a vengeance. I can't think of anything in particular that brought it on. Just home alone, surfing the web. I spent a good three hours sobbing on the couch. At one point, I did consider suicide, the first serious time in...I want to say in five years or so. This is where it gets really sad...I looked at the knife, and realized that I was just too lazy. I didn't even have enough motivation to do anything but sit and scream and cry my heart out. I'd just given up on everything. I guess that's when it hit me that I need help.

I started then posting pathetic little subtle cries for help through social media, and googling therapists in my area. One of my besties noticed what was happening, and really helped me through the last few waves of real despair. (I can't thank you enough for all the pits you've helped me out of.)

As the sobbing subsided, and I got to thinking about things more and more, I realized that I have a very serious problem with motivation. I think that is the root of all my problems. I can never get motivated to do anything for more than a short while, if at all. The constant failure just brings me farther and farther down. I really have completed very little in my recent years. I'm always looking for a fresh start, a do-over. If I'm not happy, I hit the reset button.

After my google journey, I realized that therapists are very expensive, and I can't really afford one. If I really need to, I will though. For the time being, I'm going to try and help myself. Looking up ways to get and keep myself motivated. On my next real day off, I'll be working on a personal growth plan, setting easy goals, etc. I also got my fiance to pick me up a few things to hopefully help me out.

-Melatonin to help me sleep through the night. I wake up constantly, and I'm more often than not, very tired.
-Garcinia Cambogia to help with weight loss. I know I need to be physically healthy to help with the mental bits, and I need every ounce of help I can get.
-Magnesium glycinate to help with sleep, stress, and a few other little things.

I'm also going grocery shopping today, and will be looking for plenty of healthy meal ideas. Fresh food = fresh mind and body!

With all of this, plus I hope the encouragement and support of my family and friends, I think this may be just what I need to become whole. I realize that I need to get to this point of mental health before I can even think about having a child, my biggest dream.

If you made it to the end of this post, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. <3

All my love,
-Jenicsaco

[Health & Dreams] Housewife Dreams and Dark Shadows

In this day and age, it is more common than not, for women to have larger dreams, than they did decades ago. Making plenty of money, higher education, careers, living life large.

I often wonder to myself...is there something wrong with me? That sort of thing really has never been what I want...I've had a few fun jobs that I would like...but the more I think about it, what I really want to be...is a housewife. I want to spend my days at home, raising children, cooking meals for my family, keeping the house tidy.

While my own mom does work a job (with the exception of during the summer), she also works from home. She sells art online. Wooden painted dolls, prints, lots of really cute little things. She's doing fairly well with it, too. Maybe not enough to solely survive on that, but pretty close in her busy periods. This is why I'm striving to become better with my own art, and increase my own online presence. If I had the ability to make money from home, raise my children, and be a real family mom, that would be a dream come true. I'm seriously trying to pursue this right now.

I wonder though, how many people would frown on such a low goal. That I'm not shooting for the stars. That I don't want to a fancy career, university degrees, and things like that. Does that make me an under achiever?

Or, is the fact that I finally know what I want in life, and I'm working towards it, something to applaud?

I shouldn't worry what others think, I should just be proud of myself that I'm finally walking that path that I think I was meant to be on. I can't help but worry what others think though. Shamefully, I just want to be loved and accepted by all.

This post is shifting a little darker, and I apologize for that...but, I need to vent a little. Feel free to skip this part of the post, if you don't want to read depressing bits.


It's been very up and down, though for the most part, really positive. In the last month or so though, my depression has been making itself more prevalent in my life again. It isn't a medically diagnosed depression, but I know it's there, and that it's real.

It's that sort of thing, where you just feel so hopeless, and you don't even care about getting out of that dark pit you're falling into. I won't go into details, but suicide is at the bottom. Or, it's a tunnel at the bottom, that people try to dig, to give themselves that escape...but it just ends. That feeling that nothing you do is worthwhile, nobody -really- cares about you, there's no point in sticking around, since you're so utterly useless. Nothing I do ever goes right. It sucks...and it really bothers me when people say, "Oh cheer up. Just get over it." But anyone who actually goes through this, understands that you can't. If things get better, it's only over time...you can't force yourself to just 'cheer up'. It just happens eventually, or at least, the pain fades. I hate the waiting...it's scary.

I also hate that this is coming back. I don't fully understand why...but I'm willing to bet it's stress related. Finances, a new job, wedding planning. That must be it.

I've been wondering as well if I should seek out some sort of a mental evaluation...I know there are things wrong with me, but to what extent, I'm not sure. I suffer from (self-diagnosed)depression and Misophonia, which is now looking like an emotional response disorder (which would explain a LOT), but I feel like I'm just...off. I can't really explain it.  I don't really know where to begin with something like that, though....And I'm fairly certain that it would cost more than I could ever afford.

Anyways...I think that concludes this little rant...I'm sorry it took such a dark turn south. :(

~Jenicsaco

[Health] Thank you, Starbucks

So yesterday morning started off darned well. I walked into my local Starbucks, and ordered a drink, and a sandwich. They took my name for my drink. The cashier was super pleasant, and the barista was very nice as well, sharing idle banter with me about the weather while she made my drink (which, by the way, was the best Caramel Macciato I've had in a very long time). She wished me a good day as I took my items and headed out. At the front door, I heard the cashier call, "Have a great day, Jen!". That's a first! I'm normally a little weirded out by people I don't know using my name...but it was nice. I felt welcome, and at home. That, is great service.

I wish I'd gone there today, because I could use some of those good vibes...Today is not a good day. It's not bad, but I am just utterly depressed today. I had a terrible night, for reasons I don't yet feel comfortable delving into. I don't want to scare off too many readers yet. Regardless, I'm fairly sure it was around 3am when I finally got to sleep. Now I'm tired, and weighed down by the residual depression. Certain stressful things lately are also hindering, I suppose. It's one of those depressions I just can't seem to pull myself out of, either. Just better to let it be, I suppose...

Even some new yellow nail polish gifted to me by my fiance, and purple Crackle hasn't fully brought me up. Makes me smile to look at it...but it doesn't last. Let's just try and get through the day, now.