So, I feel that I need to write the post in order to help myself, mostly. It will be a very dark post, and if you're not interested, I do suggest you skip this one. it does get better as it goes, though. There will be much better ones soon to follow too, I promise!
I mentioned in my last post that my depression was making a comeback. It had vanished more or less since that post, but Thursday night, it came back with a vengeance. I can't think of anything in particular that brought it on. Just home alone, surfing the web. I spent a good three hours sobbing on the couch. At one point, I did consider suicide, the first serious time in...I want to say in five years or so. This is where it gets really sad...I looked at the knife, and realized that I was just too lazy. I didn't even have enough motivation to do anything but sit and scream and cry my heart out. I'd just given up on everything. I guess that's when it hit me that I need help.
I started then posting pathetic little subtle cries for help through social media, and googling therapists in my area. One of my besties noticed what was happening, and really helped me through the last few waves of real despair. (I can't thank you enough for all the pits you've helped me out of.)
As the sobbing subsided, and I got to thinking about things more and more, I realized that I have a very serious problem with motivation. I think that is the root of all my problems. I can never get motivated to do anything for more than a short while, if at all. The constant failure just brings me farther and farther down. I really have completed very little in my recent years. I'm always looking for a fresh start, a do-over. If I'm not happy, I hit the reset button.
After my google journey, I realized that therapists are very expensive, and I can't really afford one. If I really need to, I will though. For the time being, I'm going to try and help myself. Looking up ways to get and keep myself motivated. On my next real day off, I'll be working on a personal growth plan, setting easy goals, etc. I also got my fiance to pick me up a few things to hopefully help me out.
-Melatonin to help me sleep through the night. I wake up constantly, and I'm more often than not, very tired.
-Garcinia Cambogia to help with weight loss. I know I need to be physically healthy to help with the mental bits, and I need every ounce of help I can get.
-Magnesium glycinate to help with sleep, stress, and a few other little things.
I'm also going grocery shopping today, and will be looking for plenty of healthy meal ideas. Fresh food = fresh mind and body!
With all of this, plus I hope the encouragement and support of my family and friends, I think this may be just what I need to become whole. I realize that I need to get to this point of mental health before I can even think about having a child, my biggest dream.
If you made it to the end of this post, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. <3
All my love,
-Jenicsaco
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